Do you ever get the feeling that you kind of wish social media didn’t exist? Perhaps you feel distracted, or too consumed with the way that your face looks at a certain angle on your friend’s IG or Snap story? Did a classmate share something hurtful on TikTok?
Regardless of why you’ve grown weary of social media, you likely have the impression that you’re the only one that feels this way, right? Good news: you aren’t. So many young people feel like this, even if it isn’t something most people talk about. Many preteens and teenagers feel like they’re almost expected to live a double life, one in reality and one on social media. There is an overwhelming pressure to be perfect, and most preteens and teenagers report that they feel like one documented minor misstep could ruin their friendships or even their futures. There is a pressure to be connected, to be available to support a struggling friend, no matter the time of day. There is a pressure to show how much you’re enjoying your life, even on the days that you may not be feeling 100%. Perhaps the most common and unfortunate pressure is the pressure to be “like-able,” sometimes at the expense of being your true self. These are just some of the reasons preteens and teenagers often feel frustrated and burnt out with social media.
Social Media & Mental Health
When we are struggling, social media can be a great way to find solidarity and support. Maybe you’re the only known trans person at your school, one of a few black, brown, or person of color at your school, or feel you are the only gay person in your town. Finding connections on Instagram, TikTok, or SnapChat is a way to increase your sense of being part of a larger community. You are able to connect with countless peers all over the world who share aspects of your identity, affinities, or interests. It can create a sense of belonging that can be hard to find in your day to day life. Social media can be an indispensable tool in finding coping strategies or peer support.
However, sometimes when we are seeking support we may encounter some pretty triggering content. Even something as seemingly casual as searching #depression may render some disturbing images of self-harm. Sometimes when we use social media platforms to seek support, we can be confronted with content that actually makes us feel unsafe or skews our perception of what is “normal.” Having someone understand what you are going through because of their own lived experience can be invaluable, but it can also be toxic to have a friendship that is based entirely around mutual pain. We may befriend people who rely on us too heavily for emotional support.
Being a supportive friend is important, but we must also be mindful of how those friendships impact our wellness and recovery. If you feel overwhelmed by the content you are encountering, or with a peer connection, be sure that you have the space and the means of processing your emotions. This could be talking to a therapist, journaling, or sharing what is on your mind with a trusted friend, caregiver, or teacher.
Left “On Read”?
Social media allows us to be connected all of the time, and has generated some pretty fantastic ways of connecting. Flattering SnapChat filters, hilarious memes, there are tons of aspects of social media that are pretty amazing.
Sometimes though, being constantly connected can intensify our expectation for instant gratification. When we don’t receive an immediate response to our text or Snap, it can start to nag at our fears about perceived social rejection. Wondering about how we are perceived is a universal experience that all human beings share. We are curious about whether or not someone likes us, or finds us attractive, or feels as invested in our friendship as we do. When we notice that someone has seen our message but isn’t responding, it can be really hard to resist overthinking it. We may think “I don’t think they like me anymore, if they did they’d reply,” or “Maybe we aren’t as good of friends as I thought,” or “Did I do something to offend this person? Are they upset with me?” When we try to engage with someone and they don’t respond, we may feel embarrassed and anxious. These feelings may be totally unwarranted, but that doesn’t make them less valid. It makes total sense that we want to be appreciated and accepted, it is just that how we measure our social value may be skewed by technology.
If a friend doesn’t respond as soon as they read your message, don’t go into a negative thought spiral. Try to challenge some of your unhelpful patterns of thinking. Reflect on other ways your friends demonstrate that they care about you and appreciate your friendship. Consider times that you may not have replied straight away. Is it possible that your friends are similarly preoccupied?
Reasons Your Friend Left you “on Read”
They are trying to focus on schoolwork.
They are at work.
Their parents took their phone away.
They are having a tough day themselves.
They are napping.
They have company.
They are detoxing from their screens.
Knowing How & When to Create Social Media Boundaries
All of this connecting with others can create some unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our friends. We feel like we are “on-call” all of the time, that we need to be super accessible at any given moment. That leaves a lot of us feeling disconnected from ourselves, because we don’t take the time that we need to focus on how we are feeling or to do the things that make us feel happy. Sometimes it feels really good to feel super connected, but have you ever had a lot on your mind and you just need some time to think? Trying to communicate that to your friend may be hard, it may feel selfish to say you need space. It isn’t. If you want to continue to be able to put 100% into your friendships, sometimes you need time to just tune out and reflect on your day or focus on a hobby you never feel like you have enough time to do.
When you ask a friend for space, you may want to use this simple formula:
“When you…, I feel…, because…”
An example might be, “When you text me during school, I feel anxious because I am afraid my teacher thinks I am cheating.”
Or, “When you text me late at night I feel stressed because I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you, but I am super tired and can’t be as focused on our conversation as I would like to be.”
The second example is one in which a clear boundary is set, but it is also obvious that you’re committed to being there for a friend. Sometimes knowing when to set a boundary is totally necessary in order to be the best friend that you can be.
Signs You May Need to Disconnect If…
You find yourself being super distracted and checked out during conversations.
You feel overwhelmed when you get an alert on your phone.
You’re impatient/irritated by a friend when they tell you how they’re feeling.
You feel as though you never have any time to do something you love, or you feel like your phone is a total distraction when you are actively engaged in a hobby.
Your family/friends are asking for you to put your phone away to chat with them.
Top Concerns Associated with Social Media
Exclusionary posts, seeing that your friends are spending time together and didn’t invite you.
Body comparison, assessing yourself by the standards of an edited photograph.
Having someone post something about you that you cannot change or control.
Feeling social pressure to receive positive feedback through amassing “likes.”
Normalization of maladaptive behavior, such as self-harm.
Cyberbullying being super common and relentless.
Predatory grooming and exploitation of youth who may be struggling and feeling particularly vulnerable to isolation.
Friends or partners may expect you to be more accessible than you’re willing or able to accommodate.
Self-worth is a measure of how much you respect yourself. It is not determined by what others think of you or the accomplishments you have made — it comes from within. You are inherently worthy and can give yourself the love you desire. It is a choice you can consciously make everyday and with practice it will get easier.
Self-acceptance is probably the greatest gift you can offer yourself. Self-acceptance is unconditional: it means accepting you as you are, faults and all. If we make self-acceptance or self-love conditional, the reality is that we will never be satisfied with ourselves.
The truth is that our bodies are continuously evolving and will never be the same as they were the day before. If we put our self-worth on something as fluid as our appearances, we will perpetually ride the emotional roller coaster of body preoccupation and humiliation.
If you want to alter your appearance, do it for yourself. However, keep in mind that your body image should not determine your value. A lovely body or a gorgeous face will not last forever nor change the way you truly feel about yourself inside. If your self-worth is based only on how you look, then imagine how your self-worth could change from day to day. Explore self-worth beyond the boundaries of your appearance. Once you understand who you are and are content with that, you can find serenity even while you navigate life’s unavoidable highs and lows.
The most important thing to remember and repeat to yourself is that you are already whole. You are unique and you are enough just the way you are.
A distorted body image is another obstacle on the path to good self-esteem and a healthy body image. We first begin to develop views of our body’s health, beauty, functioning, and acceptability when we are babies. As we grow up, our body image continues to develop and is influenced by comments and opinions from our family members, classmates, teachers, and coaches.
A negative or distorted body image is when someone’s perception of their body is warped or different to how they actually look to others. As with eating disorders, it is more prevalent in those who identify as female, although many who identify as male can also suffer from this.
Remember, there are many ways to counter the external challenges you will face in your journey to develop a healthy body image and self-esteem. Since Day 1, you’ve had everything you need within yourself – don’t let the world convince you that you do not. Know that YOU are inherently worthy and have the power to love yourself in the way you desire by making small choices and commitments to yourself everyday. Remind yourself of this truth daily. With practice it will get easier and you will likely start to notice a difference in the way you feel.
Perfectionism and self-criticism are other personality characteristics that can contribute to a negative body image.
Many people who suffer from anorexia or bulimia also have distortions of their body image, and they often have neurological abnormalities in their parietal cortex, the region of the brain that assists people in sensing their body proportions. In other words, these people may see their bodies as bigger than they really are, because the information provided by their brain is incorrect.
Most people who lose weight are able to adjust their mental body image to reflect what they see in the mirror. But people who become malnourished as a result of anorexia or bulimia may have difficulty updating their mental picture. They may continue to perceive a larger version of their body, instead of their present physical state. Additionally, people who suffer from body image distortion often concentrate on perceived faults rather than their overall look.
It can be a challenge to admit that you are suffering from a distorted body image. People experiencing this might ignore the worries of friends and family members, because what friends and family say does not match with what they themselves see when they look in the mirror. For anyone trying to address an eating disorder in therapy, it is essential to address body image distortion. When a distorted or negative body image is not addressed, this can increase a person’s risk of recurrent and ongoing disordered eating.
Remember, there are many ways to counter the external challenges you will face in your journey to develop a healthy body image and self-esteem. Since Day 1, you’ve had everything you need within yourself – don’t let the world convince you that you do not. Know that YOU are inherently worthy and have the power to love yourself in the way you desire by making small choices and commitments to yourself everyday. Remind yourself of this truth daily. With practice it will get easier and you will likely start to notice a difference in the way you feel.
