Many people may have the wrong idea about boundaries. They may think that they already have good boundaries, when in reality maybe they shy away from realizing what their boundaries actually are, put up a wall to a broad variety of things, or think that they are being unkind if they share that they aren’t OK with how someone is treating them.
Healthy boundaries are the ultimate guide to successful relationships. Without healthy boundaries, relationships have a hard time thriving. This is because without healthy boundaries in place people can start to feel resentment, disappointment, or violation creep into their relationships. These feelings, unchecked, can lead to someone being cut off from others or enmeshment, where there’s no clear division between the person and another’s needs and feelings. Neither of these situations is ideal when striving for a healthy relationship.
Because so few of us truly understand what healthy boundaries actually are, we rarely see evidence of them working. But when they do, everyone involved can feel it — it does wonders for the mental and relational health of everyone involved.
What do healthy boundaries look like?
Healthy boundaries are what happen when you can sense yourself and what you need AND use your voice to speak to those things in a calm assertive manner. We all have “limits,” and we all can experience violations of our limits. It’s how we communicate our limits and deal with those violations that makes all the difference.
Most of the time, people are not trying to violate others’ boundaries — they just aren’t aware of what those boundaries are. This can be because they are not clear with themselves or other people about what they want or need.
Here are six boundaries everyone deserves to have and what those limits might sound like in practice:
1. Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries include a person’s needs for personal space, their comfort with touch, and their physical needs like rest, food, and water.
It is OK to let people know that you don’t want to be touched or that you need more space. It is also OK to say that you are hungry or that you need to rest.
Healthy physical boundaries might sound like:
- “I am really tired. I need to sit down now.”
- “I am not a big hugger. I am a handshake person.”
- “I need to eat. I am going to go grab something.”
- “I am allergic to _____, so we can’t have that in our home.”
- “No. I don’t want you to touch me like that.”
- “Don’t go into my room without asking first, please.”
Physical boundary violations sometimes feel like when you receive inappropriate or unwanted touch, you are denied your physical needs (told to keep walking when you are tired or that you need to wait to eat or drink), or when someone comes into your personal space in a way that is uncomfortable for you (e.g., entering your room without permission, etc.). These interactions can vary from mild to severe. The most severe violations result in serious physical abuse or neglect.
2. Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries are all about respecting and honoring a person’s feelings and energy. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional information.
Respecting emotional boundaries might sound like:
- “When I share my feelings with you and get criticized, it makes me totally shut down. I can only share with you if you are able to respond respectfully to me.”
- “I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. Right now, I am not in a place to take in all of this information. Do you think we can come back to this conversation later?”
- “I am having a hard time and really need to talk. Are you in a place to listen right now?”
- “I really can’t talk about that right now. It isn’t the right time.”
Emotional boundary violations may include:
- Dismissing and criticizing feelings
- Asking questions that are not appropriate for the relationship
- Reading or going through personal and emotional information
- Asking people to justify their feelings
- Assuming we know how other people feel
- Telling other people how they feel
- “Emotionally dumping” on people without their permission
- Sharing inappropriate emotional information with others
3. Time boundaries
Your time is valuable, and it is important to protect how it is utilized. Setting time boundaries is incredibly important at work, home, school, and socially. Setting time boundaries means understanding your priorities and setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without overcommitting. When you understand your priorities, it is much easier to limit the amount of time you are giving to other people so that you can accomplish your goals and give yourself space for your priorities.
Healthy time boundaries might sound like:
- “I can’t come to that event this weekend, I have a soccer game.”
- “I can only stay for an hour.”
- “Do you have time to chat today?”
- “I would love to help, but I would be overcommitting myself. Is there another time?”
- “We have family time on Sundays, so I won’t make it.”
- “I am happy to help with that. I can commit to a couple hours a day, once a week…”
Violated time boundaries sometimes look like when people ask professionals for their time without paying them, demanding time from people, keeping people in conversations or on tasks for longer than agreed upon, showing up late or canceling on people because of overcommitments, and contacting people when they said they would be unavailable.
4. Sexual boundaries
Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, agreement, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy.
Healthy sexual boundaries include:
- Asking for consent
- Discussing and asking for what pleases you
- Requesting condom use if you want it
- Discussing contraception
- Saying no to things that you do not like or that hurt you
- Protecting the privacy of the other person
This might sound like:
- “Do you want to have sex now?”
- “Is this comfortable for you?”
- “Tell me what you like.”
- “Tell me what you don’t like.”
- “I don’t like that. Let’s try something different.”
- “I don’t want to have sex tonight. Can we cuddle instead?”
- “I am really into _______. Is that something you would feel comfortable with?”
Sexual boundary violations include:
- Sulking, punishing, or getting angry if someone does not want to have sex
- Not asking for consent
- Pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts
- Unwanted sexual comments
- Leering
- Lying about contraceptive use
- Lying about your health history
- Criticizing the other person’s sexual preferences
- Unwanted touch, assault, or rape
5. Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts, ideas, and curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people. These can be violated when your thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Respectfulness and willingness to engage in dialogue and understand each person are important here.
Healthy intellectual boundaries also mean considering whether or not it is a good time to talk about something.
This might sound like:
- “I know we disagree, but I won’t let you belittle me like that.”
- “I would love to talk about this more, but I don’t think talking about it during Thanksgiving dinner is the best time.”
- “When we talk about this, we don’t get very far. I think it is a good idea to avoid the conversation right now.”
- “I can respect that we have different opinions on this.”
Does this mean that you need to be accepting of all thoughts and opinions? Absolutely not, but it is good to respect other people’s differences of opinion. We all have a right to decide how we think or feel about things. It is also important to learn to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy discourse. If someone is sharing an opinion that is inherently harmful — like racism, sexism, xenophobia, and homophobia — then you have every right to stop the conversation and firmly state your disagreement. You can set the boundary in your own way. It might sound like letting the person know you do not tolerate that kind of talk in your presence, distancing yourself from them, or cutting off the conversation. You do not have to have “intellectual” discourse with someone who is violating your boundaries or the boundaries of others.
6. Material boundaries
Material boundaries refer to items and possessions like your home, car, clothing, jewelry, furniture, money, etc. It is healthy to understand what you can and cannot share and how you expect your items and materials to be treated by the people you share them with.
Having limits on how your material items are treated is healthy and prevents resentment developing over time.
This might sound like:
- “I can’t lend out my car. I am the only person on the insurance.”
- “We can’t give any more money. We would be happy to help in another way.”
- “Sure! I am happy to share my dress with you. Just a heads-up, I do need it back by Friday.”
Material boundaries can be violated when your things are destroyed or stolen or when they are “borrowed” too frequently. Another material violation is the use of items (money and possessions) to manipulate and control relationships.
The more we set boundaries, the more we recognize them. In setting boundaries, we help people show up for us, and we also become better at showing up for them.
In the words of Brené Brown, a well-known research professor and author, “Clear is kind.”
