The preteen and teen years are truly an incredible time in the life of your young person. They are an exciting and unique time of growth, self-discovery, and maturation. But for your young person, it’s also a time of intense emotional development, characterized by emotions shifting from euphoria one minute to complete despair the next.
If you have any preteens or teens in your life, then you are most likely witnessing the emotional roller coaster due to adolescence and the extreme emotional highs and lows associated with this stage of your preteen’s or teen’s development. During this period of time, it seems like every emotion your young person experiences, whether positive or negative, is extreme in nature. Adolescence is like an emotional bath. It’s a time during which anxiety, angst, anger, surprise, fear, sadness, guilt, or even disgust intertwine with excitement, euphoria, joy, and feelings of invincibility.
It’s not always easy for caregivers who often feel they spend their time walking on eggshells to understand why their preteen’s or teen’s emotional life is so chaotic, unpredictable, and inconsistent. The question, “Is my preteen’s or teen’s behavior normal?” is one that many caregivers ask themselves on a regular basis. The short answer to that question is, yes. The storm of adolescence is actually quite normal and here are the reasons why.
Their brain is changing rapidly
Research in modern neuroscience has demonstrated that an adolescent’s brain will undergo major changes in the structure and function of some of its parts. In fact, the only other time when the brain changes so much is during the first three years of life.
What happens during adolescence is that the area of the brain called the amygdala, regarded as the human emotional center, seems to become extremely active. This leads to intense emotional reactivity to life stressors, changes in self-control, decision-making, and risk-taking behaviors. All the while, the prefrontal cortex is still underdeveloped, which contributes to problems with regulating emotions.
Moreover, researchers have recently tried to map the development of what is referred to as emotion differentiation, which is a person’s ability to know and accurately label distinct emotions in themselves.
High emotion differentiation is a sign of good mental health and is associated with the use of effective coping strategies in difficult situations.
The same researchers have found that preteens and teens actually have low emotion differentiation. They tend to experience many emotions simultaneously, but differentiate them poorly. For example, your young person might constantly feel angry and sad at the same time, indicating that it’s difficult for them to distinguish between the two.
The hormonal storm of adolescence
Another well-known cause for the emotional rollercoaster experienced by preteens or teens is puberty. The onset of puberty triggers some significant physical changes when the body starts producing sex hormones: estrogen and progesterone in girls and testosterone in boys. Those physical changes are often accompanied by emotional changes, characterized by emotional ups and downs that sometimes feel out of control.
Major social changes
Social changes during the preteen and teen years are particularly significant. It’s a time of huge transition for your young person. Not only their body changes, but so does their identity and sense of self. During that time, adolescents struggle to become more independent and autonomous from their caregivers. Not only do they want to spend more time with their peers than with their caregivers, but they also begin exploring romantic relationships and sexuality. Being accepted and validated by their peers becomes extremely important to them.
Peers can have both a positive and a negative influence. Negative peer pressure can lead to risk-taking behaviors, such as alcohol or drug consumption, or unprotected sex. However, peers can also become a powerful source of social support and companionship. Such positive peer relationships were found to help preteens and teens feel happier and better adjusted than those who were socially isolated.
The major social, physical, and emotional changes that take place during the storm of adolescence, although sometimes unpleasant and uncomfortable, are completely normal in nature and are an integral part of your preteen’s or teen’s growth and evolution.
However, the emotional rollercoaster experience all preteens and teens go through can sometimes go awry. Emotional ups and downs can become so intense and frequent that they may start to seriously interfere with a young person’s daily life and activities. When this happens, it’s important that caregivers be aware of the associated red flags so they can quickly recognize that their preteen or teen is in need of their attention and loving support.
Red flags you may find
Excessive worrying or fear
Feeling excessively sad or low
Confused thinking
Extreme mood changes, including uncontrollable “highs” (euphoria) and “lows” (depression)
Strong and long-lasting feelings of anger and irritability
Difficulty perceiving reality (delusions and hallucinations – they occur when a person experiences and senses things that don’t exist in objective reality)
Inability to perceive changes in one’s own feelings, behavior, or personality
Use of drugs or alcohol
An intense fear of weight gain or concern with appearance
Thinking and talking about suicide
If you repeatedly notice one or several of those red flags in your preteen or teen, it is essential that you let them know that you are there for them and that they can count on your loving and unconditional support. It is also important that you encourage your preteen or teen to get the help of an experienced mental health professional. These types of health professionals will be able to evaluate your young person’s mental state and provide them with the appropriate professional support they might need at that time.
There is no question that adolescence is a very challenging time as your preteen or teen asserts their individuality. And you may be wondering what you can do to help and support them during this difficult period of time.
Supporting your preteen or teen
The very first and most important thing you can do to show your support is to communicate to your preteen or teen all the love, care, and affection you have for them. How preteens and teens view and feel about themselves is often a reflection of how caregivers react to them. By communicating your unconditional love to your preteen or teen, you help them feel good about themselves. That is priceless for them, as your young person is working hard at asserting their new identity and sense of self.
These are a few ways for you to show your love and support when you communicate with your preteen or teen about their emotions.
#1 Build and strengthen their confidence and self-esteem.
Make them feel good about themselves by praising them. Be sincere and factual when you praise them. Tell them exactly why you are impressed and proud of them. Give them specific and detailed examples. Spend as much time as possible with them and let them know how much you value them and why.
#2 Be a strong emotional support to them when you talk to them about their emotions.
Make uninterrupted one on one time with them. Encourage them to open up and talk to you about how they feel. Listen very carefully to what they are willing to share with you without pressuring them.
#3 Make them feel safe when you communicate with them about their emotions.
Be gentle and kind in the way you talk to them. Make them feel safe with your calm and reassuring presence and attention. Make sure to stay nonjudgmental and to focus on their needs in that moment. Show empathy and remind them often that you love them and that you are always there for them.
#4 Normalize what your preteen or teen is going through.
Reassure them by telling them that you know and understand that what they’re going through is challenging. Remind them that you were once a preteen and teen and that you know what that rollercoaster feels like. Make sure to never minimize how they feel. Make them feel understood by validating their feelings.
#5 Teach them resilience and coping strategies.
Teach your preteen or teen how to make it through the tough times. Help them cope with change, manage their stress, and learn from setbacks. Here are some suggestions on how to do so.
Coping Strategy #1: Help them develop their mental strength.
Written by Violaine Guéritault, Ph.D.
Be an inspiring role model to your young person by showing them what it means to have mental strength and how to cultivate it using the following strategies:
Develop and cultivate self-awareness.
Make time for quiet reflection.
Step outside your comfort zone.
Practice gratitude.
Encourage them to be kind to themselves.
Take good care of their body (sleep, hygiene, nutrition, exercise, consistently taking all medications as prescribed, seeing medical providers when needed).
Encourage them to take steps towards their dreams.
Spend plenty of time with family and friends.
Create a life aligned with your shared family values.
Coping Strategy #2: Help them develop their emotional awareness.
Written by Violaine Guéritault, Ph.D.
Emotional awareness will develop your preteen’s or teen’s capacity to relate to their emotions in a more constructive manner by developing their awareness of what they are feeling and why. This way they will become more aware of what their needs are, what they want or do not want, and they will also be able to recognize the powerful impact their emotions can have on their body. To read our article on Developing Emotional Awareness, click here.
#6 Share with them “on the spot” coping strategies.
Encourage your preteen or teen to use immediate coping strategies when they suddenly feel overwhelmed by their negative emotions. It might be a good idea for you to not just tell them about those coping strategies, but to actually practice some of them together. This will help show them how important it is for you to support them.
Deep breathing. Show your young person how deep breathing can have some immediate calming effects on their heightened emotions.
Go for a walk or workout. Go for a walk, in nature if possible, or workout with your young person. Help them realize that this is a very effective way to take their mind off of their negative thoughts and emotions and restore some inner peace and quiet.
Do something fun with them. Take them for an impromptu visit to the ice cream parlor or to the movie theater. You can also stay home and bake a cake, do some gardening together, work on art projects, watch sports, or anything else that’s entertaining.
Encourage them to go and spend time with their friends, especially those with a positive and uplifting attitude.
Encourage them to take a nice shower or a relaxing bath with soothing music in the background.
Offer deep pressure sensory input via hugs, a weighted blanket, or massages to help them regulate and calm their bodies.
Watch cute animal videos on YouTube or TikTok with them.
Encourage them to care for or play with a pet, if you have one.
#7 Let them know about other resources they may need.
If you feel your preteen’s or teen’s emotions are intensifying or getting out of control but that they are not willing to talk to you openly about it, then it is important that you encourage them to reach out for help. Let them know that there are people other than you they can reach out to, such as a family member, a teacher, a school counselor, or a mental health professional (whose job it is to support adolescents who go through difficult times).
You can also let them know about other resources they can use to reach out for help and where they will find immediate support. Some of these resources can also be very useful to you.
National Alliance on Mental Health: Call or Chat 1 (800) 950-6264
The compassionate staff at NAMI are trained to help you manage a mental health crisis and understand the struggles people with bipolar disorder face. https://www.nami.org/help
Crisis Text Line: Text “CONNECT” to 741741
This helpline provides support through text messages during crisis situations OR if you just want to talk because you are feeling angry, frustrated, scared, or hurt because of a bipolar episode.
Covenant House teen Hotline:1-800-TLC-TEEN (852-8336)
1-310-855-HOPE (4673) or text “TEEN” to 839863
ADAA Directory:https://adaa.org/supportgroups
This website allows preteens or teens and family members to search support groups in their local area, as well as phone or online groups.
Be kind to yourself
If you are the caregiver of a preteen or teen, then you know that supporting your young person through those challenging years requires a lot of time and energy. You give a lot to your preteen or teen to meet their needs and support them, sometimes at the cost of your own needs and well-being, and this could be detrimental to you in the long run.
To support your preteen or teen the way you want to, it’s essential that you first take care of yourself. At the risk of sounding cliché, it is very similar to what we’re instructed to do on an airplane when we’re told to put on our own oxygen mask before trying to help someone else with theirs. By paying attention to your own physical and emotional well-being you will be in a much better position to handle the challenges encountered during the preteen and teen years. To put it simply, it’s crucial that you take good care of yourself for your own sake and that of your young person. Here are a few suggestions on how you can practice self-care:
Try to exercise on a regular basis.
Take walks in nature.
Make time for activities you enjoy doing and that make you feel good.
Respect your body by eating healthy food, getting plenty of sleep, and seeing your medical provider for regular checkups.
Talk and confide about how you feel to someone you trust such as a family member, a friend, or a therapist.
Join a support group with caregivers who are going through the same thing as you are. You are NOT alone.
1. What should I do when my preteen or teen has an emotional outburst?
Your capacity to stay in control and composed in this kind of situation is key. Needless to say that you may feel the exact opposite inside, but being able to stay calm is absolutely essential. It will make all the difference.
This is called co-regulation. Your preteen or teen will model your emotional state. You staying centered and in control will allow that energy to defuse a full-fledged conflict with your young person. To do so, practice deep breathing and try to deescalate the situation by suggesting to resume the conversation at a later time. For example, “I don’t think it’s a good time to talk about this right now. I really want to discuss this later, but not now.”
2. Will my preteen or teen grow out of this volatile instability they’re experiencing?
There’s no question that early adolescence is a time of great emotional volatility. The reassuring news is that this instability is actually normal. Adolescence is a time when preteens or teens become super learners and are being wired in a way that enables them to grow, become mature, assert their need for independence, and develop their new identity and sense of self. The even better news is that research shows that during the course of adolescence, preteens’ and teens’ moods become more stable because events that are new in early adolescence happen less frequently as preteens and teens grow older. With time, preteens and teens seem to figure out how to deal more effectively with changes in their moods.
Let’s not forget about the role puberty and hormones play in preteens’ and teens’ changes in behavior and emotional response. During adolescence, many new chemicals move around inside a young person’s body, transforming them from a preteen to a teen and then to an adult. But those “raging” hormones eventually calm down in the late teens to early 20s when a young person’s body adjusts and adolescence ends.
3. What can I do to keep my preteen or teen emotionally healthy?
There are tools you can share with your preteen or teen that will help them learn how to experience their feelings and emotions without letting them spiral down into despair, anger, fear, or any other intense negative emotion. The effectiveness of those tools is based on simple daily habits that foster positivity and balance:
Learn to go with the flow — instead of pushing away negative emotions, your preteen or teen would benefit from learning how to go with the flow of their emotions. Acknowledging and accepting the existence of negative emotions can help young people become more comfortable with experiencing them: instead of self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, or distracting themselves with their phone in order to numb themselves.
Encourage practicing mindfulness and meditation – help your preteen or teen to discover the balancing and appeasing effects these practices offer.
Enjoy the benefits of exercising – it’s a great way for preteens and teens to let off steam and focus on other things than their thoughts. Moreover, exercising produces endorphins which is a natural mood lifter.
Get plenty of sleep – research shows that more and better sleep improves the mood of preteens and teens. They feel less depressed and manage their emotions better after a good night’s sleep.
Encourage them to do more of what they love – engaging in an activity they enjoy and they’re good at, such as a hobby, is a great way for preteens and teens to release tension and manage their emotions. It will also increase their sense of achievement and their self-esteem.
Healthy body – ensure your preteen or teen is eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, and seeing their medical provider as recommended. According to the CDC, 27% of 12 to 19 year olds take a daily prescription medication. If your preteen or teen takes regular medication(s), help establish a routine for when to take it and side effects to look out for. Follow up with your preteen’s or teen’s medical provider regularly as your young person grows, as dosages may need to be adjusted.
4. What signs should I look for if I think my preteen or teen might be having problems?
Preteens and teens are known to be moody, tired, irritable, withdrawn, and angry. Seemingly small events or setbacks, such as a bad grade on a test, can trigger some intense emotional reactions in preteens and teens who are in the process of developing the appropriate skills to manage their emotions. Such reactions are normal in nature if they last for a few days. However, if these reactions become more intense and chronic over time, it may indicate something a little more serious is going on. There are several warning signs you should be considering in that case.
The extent to which your preteen’s or teen’s daily life and activities are being disrupted by their thoughts and feelings.
How long has this been going on?
Extreme irritability and anger.
Serious difficulties in managing stressful situations.
Isolating and withdrawing from friends and family.
Lingering fatigue and sleep disturbances.
Loss of interest and engagement in once enjoyed activities.
Complaining of aches and pains such as headaches, backaches, or stomachaches.
If your preteen or teen shows some of these warning signs, it may be that they’re experiencing more than just the normal challenges associated with adolescence. It’s important to be vigilant since early intervention is key. If you feel your preteen or teen needs help don’t hesitate to contact your PCP, your young person’s school psychologist, or a mental health professional who will be able to evaluate the situation and guide you through the next steps to take.
5. Will this ever end?
The short and reassuring answer to this question is, YES. As the years pass by, your preteen or teen will mature and will eventually come out on the other side. The emotional roller coaster and the ups and downs will slow down and decrease in intensity and frequency. With time, your preteen or teen will become a young adult who is independent and responsible. It may seem like you still have a long way to go, but you will eventually get there. It’s not a matter of if but a matter of when.
Take a deep breath, be patient, and remember you’re in good company with many, many other caregivers.
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