Author Jen Bell | Reviewed by Mason Dunn
Talking to your child about gender identity and sexual orientation can seem like a daunting task, but it’s important to have these conversations early and often. By the start of puberty, the goal is to already have had some small conversations about how your preteen or teen perceives themselves, what a healthy relationship looks like, what boundaries they can set for themselves, what attraction is, and eventually lead the conversation into sexuality and sexual orientation.
Remember, the most important thing is to create a safe and supportive space for your child to explore their gender identity and sexual orientation. By having open and honest conversations, you can help them feel comfortable being themselves.
Tell your preteen or teen: I want you to know that my biggest goal for you is that you experience love and respect within a healthy relationship, no matter who you choose to share yourself with.
Before You Talk About Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation
Before you talk about gender identity and sexual orientation, make sure you educate yourself so you can be the best source of support and provide them with the best resources. Check out our guides around gender identity and sexual orientation to help prepare yourself for these conversations.
Remember:
- If your preteen or younger youth is old enough to ask, they are old enough to hear the correct answer and to learn the correct words.
- Answer a question when it is asked and check that you understand what your preteen or younger youth is asking. For example:
- “So what I am hearing is that you want to know if two girls can get married?”
- Remember that, even with young kids, it’s important to set limits — you can refuse to answer personal questions and let them know that boundaries are important and that certain questions are personal.
- Read or watch LGBTQ+ themed children’s books or shows together and discuss the characters and stories with your teen.
- Follow and share information from reputable social media sites and websites like Glaad or Trevor and participate in advocacy activities if you are able to.
Talking About Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation to Kids 10 and Under
Your child may learn about what it means to be a “girl” or “boy” from your immediate family, their peers, what they see on TV, and the internet. These are messages that are influenced by others and not necessarily indicative of how they may feel about their own gender. It is important to know that there is a universe of possibilities when it comes to your young child understanding themselves and how they feel.
Start the conversation with the following:
- “Can you tell me some things that ‘boys’ or ‘girls’ may like to do or play with? So these things that you named are called stereotypes. It is your thought of what a ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ should be. However, we all know that sometimes a person may like certain colors or toys regardless of any stereotypes that go along with them. Anything enjoyed by one gender can be enjoyed by the other, without feeling weird about choosing something ‘different.’”
- “What are some ways you like to express yourself? This could be anything like in the way you dress, or the things you like to do.”
- “Are there any things you would like to try (play with, wear, etc.) that would allow you to express yourself better?”
- “You may see other families that look different than ours. Some may have a mom and dad, two moms, two dads, just one caregiver or many others that are involved to support a family. Have you seen any other families, either through your friends or on TV, that look different than our family?”
Talking to Kids 10-12 About Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation
With preteens, it’s important to teach respect and acceptance about gender identity and sexual orientation. If you model respect and acceptance for all groups, your words and actions can have a big impact.
You should also start teaching them about attraction. Attraction is when you are drawn to someone or something with a feeling of interest and/or pleasure. Attraction is not limited to one thing, we know that people can feel attracted to others of the same or different genders for many reasons.
Lastly, you should also teach them about influences and social construct (other peers, media, society expectations, etc). These factors can impact the way one views and feels about their gender.
Start the conversation with:
- “Do you remember a time when you met another preteen in which you felt instantly connected? Maybe you referred to this person as your newest best friend? These sorts of relationships happen throughout our lives. You might feel an instant connection or attraction to someone right away, or this attraction could happen over time. Attraction does not only have to be physical, like what someone looks like. You can be attracted to someone because of who they are inside or because you share similar interests.”
- “What things do you find attractive in someone else?”
- “Are you able to act and look the way you know yourself to be inside?”
- “You or someone you know may not feel like the gender they were assigned at birth. This is perfectly normal and these feelings can change over time. If you ever have questions about your gender as a boy/girl, you can always come to me for answers.”
- “How can you best support someone who wants to express themselves in their own way?”
Talking to Teens About Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation
It’s important that you take the time to listen, hear, and acknowledge your teen. Be affirming and supportive with your teen and their peers as they are exploring the concept of gender and sexuality. And, always validate, accept, and love them as they are. Let them know you are there to help with any problems that arise, and that they can count on you to be there for them during their journey to explore themselves and their sexuality.
Start the conversation with:
- “You or someone you know may not feel like the gender they were assigned at birth. This is perfectly normal and these feelings can change over time. If you ever have questions about your gender as a boy/girl, I am a safe place you can come to for answers.”
- “Is there a certain pronoun that you would like me to use to describe who you are?”
- “Please let me know if any one of your friends would like to be called a certain name or pronoun as I want them to feel safe and supported.”
