Keeping Communication Open
Preteens and teens are notorious for being challenging for adults to communicate with, and certain difficult conversations will have many of them running for the hills. But finding the right ways to talk with your teenager about tough subjects is imperative to their growth and development.
It’s critical to have conversations with our preteens and teens about important subjects like sex, relationships, consent, drugs, alcohol, sexting, distracted driving, and other potentially risky behaviors, as well as more mundane things like homework. It’s also important for our preteens and teens to identify who they can turn to when they need support, encouragement, feedback, and more, and for us to work hard to be a member of that crucial team.
As adults, we have context and risk analysis skills that our preteens and teens do not yet possess. But the wrong approach can shut our preteens and teens down entirely, leaving us with little opportunity to convey the information and guidance they need.
Where to Start the Conversation
Choose a place where both of you feel safe, comfortable, and have privacy. Sometimes a 1:1 car ride can be a good opportunity. Consider starting a conversation when both of you have ample time, and are relaxed and open. Starting a conversation when your teen is stressed, tired, hungry, or burdened by homework, for example, will not work in your favor. You can also look for teachable moments that give you an opportunity to talk. These can include seeing something on TV or hearing about a friend’s experience.
When to Reach Out for Support
Ask for support by seeking professional guidance when feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or when you are concerned your teen is having experiences that are not healthy.
A professional can help to facilitate a productive conversation and suggest effective strategies for having a discussion with your teen.
Conversation DOs + Don’ts
DO create open lines of communication.
Demonstrating that we can listen, hold space, and provide love and guidance without judgment is what will help keep our preteens and teens talking to us. When we refuse to shy away from awkward, uncomfortable, difficult conversations, our kids understand that we are willingly walking on the path next to them and are available to listen and provide support.
DO lean in with curiosity and the spirit of collaboration.
The power of asking questions cannot be underestimated when talking with preteens and teens. By leaning in with the only goal being to discover who they are — to understand before we seek to be understood — we have the opportunity to deeply know our young people. While in conversation with them, consider asking yourself “what can I ask next” every time you feel inclined to interject your own thoughts, feelings, or opinions. “Why,” “How,” and “What do you think” are the golden tickets to connection.
DO offer respect and empathy.
Validate, validate, validate. There are few things that feel as good and unconditional as being validated in who we are and what we think. Recognizing that your teen has their own perspective and that, even when it differs from yours, it has value, is deeply reassuring. Consider the idea that your teen is deserving of your respect simply by virtue of their humanness, and work from there to build a relationship built on empathy and validation.
DO empower them to do the right thing, and trust them to do it.
As caregivers, we often spend a lot of time talking and teaching what is “right,” but then don’t give our kids space to put that teaching into practice. When we begin to trust our preteens and teens as decision makers, authors William Stixrud, Ph.D., and Ned Johnson say in their book The Self-Driven Child, “we are giving them invaluable experience in assessing their own needs honestly, paying attention to their feelings and motivations, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best possible decision for themselves.” When teens hear the message “I have confidence in you to do the right thing, or make a good decision,” they are more likely to step up to the plate. If their competence muscle gets flexed often enough, the practice becomes reality.
DO engage in dialogue, not monologue.
We should be wary of the monologue, focusing instead on building a back-and-forth dialogue with our preteens and teens. This may mean allowing silence to have its moment or probing with the next question, but when we can move through conversation with our young people rather than talking at them, they are more likely to engage.
DO let them arrive at their own conclusions.
Our kids are not miniatures of us. They are whole and complete people with their own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and experiences. When we can acknowledge and get comfortable with this, including the fact that our preteens and teens may make decisions we disagree with, or have different values than we do, it is easier to keep them in conversation with us. This is the essence of a mutually respectful relationship.
DO provide guidance.
While it is important that we leave space for our preteens and teens to reach their own conclusions and settle on their own personal set of values about a wide variety of issues, we do still have an obligation as caregivers to share the reasons behind our own perspectives and values and invite our young people to consider them. To be influential, however, we must invite, not impose.
DO invest in time with them.
Designated one-on-one time each day or week to talk with your teen is perhaps the most valuable investment you can make as a caregiver. Kids, preteens, and teens do better when they feel more connected. Sometimes what we perceive as misbehavior is the result of our teen feeling disconnected in some way. It’s the way their still-developing brains communicate dysregulation. Young people tend to need love the most when they feel or act the most unlovable. Lean into their difficult behaviors and feelings, helping them feel valued while still drawing consistent, loving boundaries and expectations for behavior.
DO use both a positive tone and emotion.
Our preteens and teens need to know we like, respect, and enjoy them! Show them that you are excited to see them and seek to find joy in the new and growing abilities your teen is gaining. This kind of emotion can’t be faked, however. Preteens and teens are brilliant at seeing right through their caregivers, and when we fail to show up authentically, they know. Be sure to both use and model a positive tone and emotion. Ask yourself, do I tend to be neutral or positive about things when I am with my teen, or do I tend to be negative? Our emotions are contagious. Before diving into both everyday and difficult interactions, take a few breaths if you need to, and remember the things you love about them, so you can show up as a positive force in their lives.
DO carefully choose the time and place.
We all have times and places we prefer for having significant conversations. For example, if we are in the middle of an important project for work, that is typically not the best time for our partner to initiate a conversation about our relationship. Our preteens and teens are no different. If they are in the middle of something important, or even just having fun, they may be resistant to switching tracks and having a conversation about sex, relationships, or alcohol. Know your teen and intentionally engage them at a time when they are more likely to be receptive.
DON’T be judgy.
Our preteens and teens do and say things that we just don’t get. They have opinions that differ from ours, and they make choices that we may not always agree with. However, when we bring judgment to our interactions with them, they shut down. They can sniff out that judgment from a mile away and once they do, it’s game over.
DON’T lecture.
If our young people could just learn from our wisdom, right? There are so many things we would like our young people to know and understand. But when we talk at them rather than with them, they often put on what author Lisa Damour, Ph.D., calls a “veil of obedience”: they smile, nod, and appear to be listening, but they aren’t hearing a word we’re saying. No one likes being lectured; teens are no different.
DON’T use fear tactics.
It is terrifying to be a parent or a caregiver — from the time our kids are toddlers to the time they are teens, it feels like there are a million different things we have to protect them from. But it’s important to remember that teenagers’ brains are not fully developed and they don’t assess risk or view situations in the same way we do. So, while our kids need to know the potential consequences for certain behaviors and activities, when we parent from a place of fear, or primarily use fear to motivate behavior, we are missing out on valuable opportunities to teach and connect.
DON’T dismiss their experiences.
A first breakup, a B- on a physics test, a sports injury, or a fight with a friend may not seem like a big deal to us, but it can feel like the end of the world to our teens. While we understand that these are just a part of the rollercoaster of life, our preteens and teens are regularly experiencing a lot of “firsts” that are hard to process. If we dismiss their experiences as trivial or their emotions as overblown, we send the clear message that we are not a safe harbor for them in a storm.
Tips & Tools for Tough Conversations
Just 2 minutes
There are times in parenting that we have specific factual information we need our preteens or teens to know and understand, from the importance of using birth control to the risks of leaving a drink unattended at a party or bar. With a particularly resistant teen, we can say, “I know you don’t want to talk to me about this, but I just need two minutes of your time. You don’t have to respond, I just need you to hear me.” Once we have their attention, we can then quickly share the information we came to deliver and move on with our days — get in and get out. In using this approach, we should keep our message short, sweet, and easy to digest.
Jump into what matters to them
Surprise your preteen or teen by doing something that matters to them. This can be playing their favorite music, preparing their favorite meal, or sitting down to play a game they enjoy. Little gestures can go a long way to make them feel valued and seen. Participating in activities that you both enjoy doing will keep you connected on a more social level, and will often provide unexpected opportunities for free-flowing conversation.
Heads Up
For slightly longer conversations, some young people need time to prepare themselves, so giving them fair warning can be helpful. To do this, we might say, “I recognize that this may be awkward/hard/embarrassing for you, but I need a few minutes of your time to talk about _______. Would you like to do that now, or would you prefer to do it later?” If they say “later” you can ask them to choose a time within the next 24 hours when you can connect with them. Alternatively, you can tell them to approach you when they’re ready, but remind them that if they don’t do that within a day, you’ll be back to have the conversation, regardless.
Texting
Another method for engaging preteens and teens is to send “public service announcements (PSAs)” periodically by text message. Many preteens and teens are more comfortable texting than talking, and although that may not be ideal in the real world, we can use that knowledge to our advantage. For example, “Here’s your Mom PSA for the day: sexually active teens have a 95% chance of causing/becoming pregnant within a year if birth control is not being used. I’ve placed a box of condoms in your bathroom. Please make sure to put some in your pocket/purse! Love you!”
Car rides
When we are in the car, our young people are essentially a captive audience. Use this time — when you don’t have to look face-to-face — to start conversations that may feel challenging for you, or where your teen may be resistant. Many preteens and teens are far more receptive when they do not have to look at you while talking.
Side-by-side
Similar to being in the car, finding opportunities to initiate chats with our young people while doing something else can be a valuable tool. Rather than trying to sit down on the couch to talk to our kids, you may find a more willing participant if you engage in the conversation while walking, cooking, working around the house, or even sitting back-to-back. Not having to make eye contact while talking reduces the stress and pressure for young people around tough subjects.
Journaling
Purchase a notebook that you and your teen can use to write one another notes, ask questions, and do check-ins with one another. Let your teen know that they can ask you anything, tell you anything, or share any thoughts or feelings by writing it down and leaving the notebook on your bed. You can then respond with the agreement that you won’t discuss the subject-matter out loud unless they want to or are in any form of danger. This can provide some young people a safe way to open up, emote, and share without feeling “on the spot” by talking directly to you. As a caregiver, you can also use the notebook to share information, thoughts, and worries, and get to know your preteen or teen better.
Special Considerations:
Youth with learning differences
If you have a youth with learning differences, consider that their emotional and learning developmental age may differ from their physical developmental age. As they develop, their body will change and they will likely have the same experiences and needs as their peers, but if they have certain learning challenges, they may need more support to understand some of the concepts.
If needed, talk with your teen’s medical and educational team about their individualized needs and how best to explain these concepts to them. Typically, it is best to start simple to create safe, open communication. As they demonstrate their understanding, you can add in the more complex layers. It is important to normalize these conversations with your teen — at their comprehension level.
