As your teen starts to explore relationships, their body, self-pleasure, and self-exploration, it’s important to talk to them about healthy relationships, consent, and boundaries. These conversations can be difficult, but they’re essential to helping your young person develop healthy relationships.
By following these tips, you can start these conversations and help your teen make healthy choices.
Before You Start Your Conversation
If you are nervous about having “the conversation,” consider broaching the topic through books.
Reading a book to your young kids is the easiest way to get the talks going. Plus, if it’s already a regular part of your family life, they won’t think there is anything weird going on. Books are also an easy way in with your tweens and teens. They may not be willing to read them with you but they need them because they are a much safer source than the internet and their peers. Books also give you an easy way to start a conversation because you can refer to a chapter or section.
Talk with your teen often. Listen more than you speak.
Tips for Talking to Your Preteen or Teen About Sexual Health
One of the best things about talking to teens about sexuality, love, and relationships is that they are developmentally and socially ready to learn about everything. You can be completely open with them, which makes these talks so much easier. Because of the incredibly high influence of porn and peers, they need you to provide correct information and values. Even if they don’t seem interested or push you away, hang in there. They will appreciate it in the long run.
- Talk with your teen often. Listen more than you speak. Only by listening to each other can you understand one another, especially regarding love and sexuality. When preteens and teens are able to talk with a caregiver or other trusted adult about sex and protection, they are less likely to engage in early and/or unprotected sexual intercourse compared to preteens and teens who haven’t talked with a trusted adult.
- Learn to communicate. For caregivers who find that talking about sex does not come naturally, it may be necessary to learn new skills in order to create open lines of communication.
- Stay involved in the details of your teen’s life. Engage in conversations and check regularly with your teen about their interests, friend groups, and romantic attractions.
- Don’t avoid any topics that make you feel uncomfortable — your teen will pick up on this. When you avoid certain topics, you send a message that you may not be accepting of these things.
- Use everyday occurrences as teachable moments. For example, if a news program mentions sexual harassment, talk about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors that can occur, as well as resources to turn to if they happen.
- Ask random questions that align with current life events. For example, if your teen mentions that a friend is considering having sex, ask questions like:
- How long do you think it takes to trust a potential sexual partner before you are ready to have sex?
- Does a person have to be attracted to the other partner to have sex? Or What do you think is a good age to start being sexually active?
- Model healthy behaviors. In other words, make sure your teen sees you taking care of yourself and making decisions that make you healthier.
- Read over the sexual health content of our website together and discuss specific points.
- Use the TALK B4 Sex app (available for iOS) and answer the provided questions on a variety of sexuality topics.
How to Talk to Kids Under 10 About Sexual Health
It is important to talk to kids about relationships and respect from a young age. Use age-appropriate language, and tailor your conversations to your child’s level of understanding. This will help them develop healthy relationships and understand the importance of treating others with respect.
Consider starting a conversation with:
- “We’ll be talking about this a lot so you have correct information about this part of life. You can always ask me questions and I’ll be honest with you when I answer.”
- Have you ever heard the word sex? What do you think it means?
- Did you know this part of your body is called your penis/vulva? It’s a private part of your body and no one should touch it unless you need help, like wiping, or at the doctor’s.
How to Talk to Kids 10-13 About Sexual Health
As your child approaches their preteen years, your conversations can evolve. Consider starting conversations with:
- You are old enough now to know where babies come from! What do you know about this? (See what they say and then tell them:)
- “When people want to have a baby they agree to do something called “having sex.” This is not something kids can do because their hearts, minds, and bodies aren’t ready. The usual way a baby is made is the person with a penis puts it inside the other person’s vagina. Their bodies are made to do this and it feels good to them.“
- “When I was in middle school I remember how much talk and curiosity there was about sex and sexual stuff. There was also A LOT of misinformation and rumors.”
- “What are your friends talking about? What do you think about what they are saying?”
- “It’s perfectly normal to be curious about sex and I am happy to answer any questions you may have now or as they come up.“
- “Even if you don’t have questions, you deserve to know all about it so you feel good because this is such a big and important part of life so I’ll be talking about it a lot.”
How to Talk to Kids 13+ About Sexual Health
By this age, you should be able to talk to your teen about anything regarding their sexual health. If you’ve been talking with them since they were young, your conversations should be easier for you. If you haven’t spoken with your teen about sexual health before now, that’s okay. Start now by using the techniques above.
Start conversations with:
- “You are old enough now for me to talk openly with you about all the things related to sexuality: healthy relationships, consent, decision-making, porn, dating, having sex, etc. We may both be uncomfortable sometimes, but it’s such an important part of life I want you to be smart about it and ready when you start to date.”
- “When do you think it’s OK to start doing sexual stuff or to have sex?”
- “What do you think about all the porn kids are seeing? I know you’ve probably seen it, and you aren’t in trouble. I just want to make sure you understand it’s not real sex and can give you a very wrong idea about what sex is and how it works.”
- Do you remember that scene in that movie where (romantic or sexual thing happened)?
- I was thinking that it was… (good because or bad because). What did you notice?
- I’m curious, what kinds of things are your peers saying about sex and all that?
- I remember my friends thinking/talking about…
Things to Consider for Teens With Learning Differences
If you have a teen with learning differences, consider that their emotional and learning developmental age may differ from their physical developmental age. As they develop, their body will change and they will likely have the same sexual feelings and needs as their peers. If they have certain learning challenges, though, they may need more support to understand some of the concepts.
If needed, talk with your teen’s medical and educational team about their individualized needs and how best to explain these concepts to them. Typically, it is best to start simply to create safe, open communication. Add in more details as your teen demonstrates their understanding. It is important to normalize talking about sex, sexuality, and safety with your teen — at their comprehension level.
