Talking to your young people about sex, birth control, masturbation, STIs, and pornography.
Talking about sex with your preteen or teen doesn’t have to be scary. When you talk to them about sex — and the things that go along with sexual health like birth control, STIs, and more — you arm your teen with the information they need to make healthy decisions, and hopefully have healthy relationships.
By starting the conversation, you can not only help steer the conversation, topics, and how long they last, you also show your teen you are their go-to for this information. Go for it, keep it short, and don’t worry about giving them too much information — the more information they have, the more prepared they are for life.
Tips to Make These Talks Easier on Everyone
To help make these talks easier, consider doing the following:
- Start early with the “facts of life” conversations. This will make these tougher conversations much easier.
- It’s your job to start and continue the conversations. When you wait for your teen to ask questions this makes their sexual health education their responsibility, it’s not, it’s yours.
- If you feel uncomfortable, tell them. When you admit your discomfort you are modeling how to have tough conversations in spite of your unease.
- When they ask questions, respond with this key phrase: “Thanks for asking! What do you think it means? Where did you hear about it?” A plus? It’ll buy you time to come up with an answer.
- Try to keep it light-hearted and fun. This shows you are comfortable and open to these conversations.
- Practice what you want to say before you say it.
- Short and sweet talks are the way to go because it’s so much easier on everyone. Your teen doesn’t want a lecture.
- Some caregivers feel most comfortable starting these one-on-one conversations in car rides or on quiet walks.
Tips for Talking to your Pre-Teen about Sex
- These specific scripts are for young people who are 10-12, or a little older. For older kids, add more details and do not worry about giving them too much information. Whatever you tell will be so much better than what they learn from peers and porn.
- Practice saying these out loud before you talk to your teen so you can get more comfortable saying the words. Be sure to add your values and beliefs about each topic — this is one of the most important things you can talk about with your teen.
And only do one of these topics at a time!
How to Start the Sex Conversation
Tell them you need to talk about a sex thing.
Then ask:
- Have you heard of ________(use a script below)?
- If they say yes — What do you think it means? Where did you hear about it?
Then say:
- This is what ________ means (use a script below)!
Talking About Different Kinds of Sex
Sometimes people have sex or make love because they want to feel close to their partner and it feels good. When people do sexual things, they talk about it first and agree they want to do sexual things together. This is a wonderful part of being in a romantic relationship, a great part of life, and something you don’t have to do.
People can kiss, hug, cuddle, touch, and rub each other’s bodies and privates. If they have vaginal sex, this means the person with the penis puts it inside the other person’s vagina. Oral sex is when someone puts their mouth on another person’s vulva or penis. Anal sex is when someone puts their penis in another person’s anus.
People make the choice to do these sexual things and it’s not something you have to do.
Talking About STIs
Did you know that people can pass germs from one person to another when they have sex? It’s kind of like when someone gets the flu or a cold, but it’s in their privates. This is called a sexually transmitted infection or STI. Some STIs can be treated with antibiotics and other medications and some never go away and the person has them for the rest of their lives.
When you get older and are thinking about having sex with someone it’s really important that you always use a condom and that you talk about your sexual health. Other than not having sex at all, this is the best way to prevent STIs.
Talking About Birth control
Most of the time when people have penis-in-vagina sex, they don’t want to make a baby and are doing it for fun. To prevent pregnancy they can use birth control. There are a bunch of different kinds of birth control: pills, patches, implants, IUDs, and condoms are some of them. When you are ready for sex, I expect you and your partner to use birth control if pregnancy is possible.
Talking About Masturbation
Sometimes people touch or rub their privates — their penis or their clitoris — because it feels good. It’s something they do in private when they’re alone. It’s totally normal to masturbate and totally normal not to masturbate, and it’s your choice.
Masturbation helps you learn about your body and what feels good to you in a sexual way. When you are young it’s something you do in private, alone and when you are older and ready for a sexual relationship you can do it with your partner.
Talking About Pornography
On the web you can see pictures and videos of naked people doing sexual things or having sex. This is called pornography or porn and it is definitely not for kids or young people. It can be really scary and weird to see this and when you do, you need to tell me. You won’t be in trouble and I’ll make sure you are okay. Kids can feel really weird after they see porn — this is normal because sex and sexual things are not for kids.
Porn is like a cartoon — it’s not real. The people in porn are actors and real people don’t look like that, sound like that, or do those things. It’s not healthy to watch porn because it will give you the wrong ideas about sexuality and relationships and can make you feel bad.
