BLOOM’s inclusive guide for caregivers of LGBTQ+, nonbinary and gender diverse teens.
Author Jen Bell | Reviewed by Mason Dunn
Coming out can mean many things for preteens and teens. It can refer to an evolving understanding of their gender identity or expression — that how they feel internally about their gender doesn’t align with what’s on their birth certificate. It can refer to their sexual orientation (who they’re romantically and/or sexually attracted to) and identifying as LGBTQIA+.
Often, coming out involves an intense mix of emotions. There might be excitement, liberation, and relief about living as their authentic selves. Gender diverse or trans teens may finally feel free to embody the gender they experience inside. LGBTQIA+ teens may be able to express their romantic interests for the first time.
Learn how to be an adult ally for nonbinary and transgender kids.
Coming out can also bring up anxiety and fear that their family and friends might not understand or accept them, or that they’ll face stigma, discrimination, or bullying.
The most important factor impacting the well-being of gender diverse and/or LGBTQ+ teens is family support. Your love can be life-saving.
Family support is the most significant factor in a LGBTQ+ teen’s well-being. As a caregiver, it’s normal to experience your own intense mix of emotions after a child comes out, but your focus should be on your child’s experience. While research shows that LGBTQ+ youth who aren’t accepted by their caregivers carry higher risks for depression, suicide*, and substance abuse, research also shows that having even one person to lean on can significantly lower those risks.
How you react when a child comes out — and how you continue to evolve alongside them— will likely have a huge impact on your child’s self-esteem and sense of well-being.
How to Support Gender Diverse and LGBTQ+ Youth
Your preteen or teen has taken a massive and brave step by coming out to you. Here’s how to offer the encouragement they need.
Listen to Your LGBTQ+ Child
Keep an open mind as they share their experiences. Validate and reflect back what they’ve told you: “I hear what you are saying. I want you to know that my love for you is as strong as ever.”
Offer Your Support
Let them know you will be there for them, no matter what: “I’m proud of you, I’m here for you, and I am always available to talk.”
Ask What They Need
Make it clear that they can ask for your help and tell you what they need: “What are the best ways for me to support you right now? Who else is supporting you?”
Encourage Self-Expression
Let them explore their inner selves without fear of judgment and without others’ projections and agendas: “I want to support you on this journey. What’s been happening in your life that made you decide to come out now?”
Respect Their Boundaries
Ask permission before asking personal questions that might be intimate or intrusive. If they don’t want to answer, accept their no: “I want you to know that you don’t need to answer if you feel like my questions are too personal.”
Follow Their Lead
Allow your preteen or teen to move at their own pace. Support them if they want to tell others, but let them do it their way: “If you want to tell grandma, I can help with whatever you need to feel ready for that.”
Never Out Them
If they don’t want to tell others about coming out, that’s their choice and must be respected. They have a right to privacy about their own experience.
Act as an Advocate
Stand up for them: Make it clear that slurs or jokes about sexuality or gender identity will not be tolerated around you or your family. Call out transphobia and homophobia when you hear it.
Own Your Mistakes
When your teen comes out, it’s critical that you not reject them, react negatively, or pretend the conversation never happened. If you did react badly, it’s not too late. Apologize and start over.
Don’t Try to Change Them
Denying their experience, punishing, or shaming them is not only ineffective — it’s dangerous. Experts agree that so-called “reparative” or “conversion” therapies can cause serious and lasting psychological harm.
Connect Them With Community
Meeting people who share their experience, and can truly understand what they’re going through, is key. Find local LGBTQ+ organizations and events for your teen to join.
Seek Out Positive Pop Cultural Representation
Research books, movies, and TV shows that positively represent a variety of LGBTQIA+ experiences for your teen. Watching these together, if appropriate, can bring you closer and offer jumping-off points for deeper conversations.
Watch for Warning Signs
It’s critical to monitor your teen’s mental health for any signs of struggle, like feelings of depression, anxiety, or self-harm. If you do notice these, contact their doctor or a licensed counselor.
When choosing a therapist, it’s important to find a good match for your teen. Learn how to find the right therapist for your young person.
Tips for Replacing Gendered Language With Inclusive Language
Ask Their Preferred Name and Pronouns
Your preteen or teen might prefer different pronouns, or want to go by a new name. Ask how they’d like to identify, and then use those words. They might request other language changes, like using the term “girlfriend” rather than “special friend.”
Make Gender-Neutral Language a Habit
Many of us use gender-specific terms — ”hey guys,” or “ladies and gentlemen” — without recognizing it. This can feel exclusive, and it assumes we know the gender of the people we’re addressing. (Never assume!). Gender-neutral language — “people,” “folks,” “friends,” “sibling,” “spouse” — includes everyone.
Don’t Use Slang or Slurs
Words like “queen,” “homo,” and “dyke” are derogatory and offensive. While some people in the LGBT+ community might use these words as a way to reclaim them and decrease their power, slurs can only be reclaimed by those who were originally bullied by them.
Avoid the Phrase “Sexual Preference”
This implies that being LGBTQIA+ is a choice and can be “cured.”
Course-Correct When You Slip Up
It’s ok to make mistakes — and you inevitably will! Allow others to correct you without getting defensive. The fact that you’re trying to get it right shows that you respect your teen and support their identity: “Thanks for correcting me! I’m still getting used to your new name, but I’m trying!”
Make Sure to Support Yourself, Too
Your child has their coming-out journey, and you will have your own journey of acceptance and understanding. If it’s taking time to adjust, be patient. These are huge changes. Often, even caregivers who worried they couldn’t possibly accept their teen’s identity just needed time.
If you’re struggling with feelings of grief, fear, anxiety or depression, seek help. Look for a licensed therapist, a support group, or a community organization for parents of gender diverse and LGBTQ teens.
Remember: the most important factor impacting the well-being of gender diverse and/or LGBTQ+ teens is family support. Your love can be life-saving.
*If you or someone you know needs help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You can also reach a crisis counselor by messaging the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
