Your young person is likely to go through rapid emotional changes during puberty. Learn why and how to support them.
“When I was a child, my grandfather told me about the Coney Island roller coaster. He described each part in detail, beginning with the “click, click, click” as the rollercoaster edged to the top, the anxiety felt before the first drop, and the exhilaration and heart racing thrill as the ride quickly took him around the sharp turns, up and down.” –Lori R.*
The story of the rollercoaster may seem similar to the rollercoaster of emotions your preteen or teen experiences and expresses on a weekly, or even daily basis. And, we often consider these teen mood swings as just another part of growing up. We may even remember our own teen mood swings.
But what causes these emotional changes during puberty? At what age do teenage mood swings stop? And, how can you create a helpful environment so you, and your teen, can both survive these mood changes?
What Causes Emotional Changes During Puberty?
Mood swings are another part of growing up, and are partially due to the release of hormones. However, hormones are only one reason; changes in your preteen or teen’s mood can also be due to:
- Changes in their physical and emotional states. Learn how to help them build their self-esteem.
- Social anxieties, like a conflict with their friends or stress called by social media. Teach your teen about mindful confrontation, and how to stand up for themselves and their beliefs.
- Stress from everyday life. Learn more about anxiety in teens, and how to provide support.
- A search for their identity, and what makes them, them. Read more about how to support your preteen or teen who is discovering their gender identity or sexual orientation.
- In some cases, mood swings may be indicative of something more serious, like mental health issues such as depression or bipolar disorder. Check out our Healthy Mind Section to learn more about how to support a young person struggling with these issues.
How to Deal With Teen Mood Swings in a Healthy Way
Sometimes, emotions and outbursts come across as hurtful and cruel, and it might seem like your teen lacks empathy for their actions and for others feelings. In this moment, your reaction can set the stage of how it resolves or escalates.
Work with your preteen or teen to create habits for a healthier household, and remember to be patient. Creating and maintaining new habits takes time and practice.
1. Schedule Regular Household Meetings
Schedule meetings where all members of your household are invited and participate. In these meetings, you don’t only go over every member’s schedule and assigned chores, but also talk about any household concerns. Meetings can occur weekly or bi-weekly.
If anyone in your household questions why these meetings are necessary, gently remind them that most successful organizations, teams, and businesses have similar meetings to connect as a team. Having regular meetings also provides a space for anyone to bring up concerns or conflicts.
2. Eat Meals Together
Having a set meal time once a week, if not more, has been proven to support healthier family communication.
During the meal, allow each person to talk about their highlights of the week, and state the things that they are grateful for. Gratitude practice is another proven healthy habit for households.
3. Create Household Rules and Expectations
While creating household rules or expectations may sound silly, they help establish typical daily expectations for your house.
Some expectations to consider, particularly to handle teen mood swings, include:
- All feelings are okay to have and experience.
- Feelings should be expressed in helpful and assertive ways.
- Respect other people’s spaces, including personal items like cell phones, journals, or notes.
- Practice empathetic listening, including not judging or giving advice unless asked for.
- Knock and wait at least 10 seconds before opening a personal door, like a bathroom or bedroom door. If these spaces are shared (and doors don’t exist), use screens or curtains to allow for that “me” space, and ask to come before walking into the personal space.
- Work together as a family to create a healthy household. This includes each person having responsibilities for the good of the household.
4. Hold Everyone Accountable
Creating expectations and a chore list may be simple, yet holding your household accountable to these expectations can be more challenging.
Accountability means that everyone will attempt to follow the expectations you established as a family, and complete their household tasks. If a person tests either of these, agreed upon consequences will occur.
Accountability also includes holding family members responsible if they express their feelings in a hurtful or inappropriate manner. If someone reacts during a mood swing, allow everyone involved to calm down before you gather to talk. This talk should include everyone being given the opportunity to speak and the use of “I feel” statements.
5. Share Responsibilities
Share household chores.
- For younger children, start with a chore like cleaning up their toys every Sunday night from the family room.
- For older children, give them other simple, yet needed jobs, like clearing the table.
- For preteens and teens, teach them how to do their own laundry and get them to help meal plan or vacuum main rooms.
- As the caregiver or parent, you can go food shopping, cook main meals, help clean, and more.
Remember: When a person feels they are adding to an overall goal and are experiencing success, they are feeling worthy and successful.
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How to Support Your Preteen or Teen Through Their Mood Swings
It’s inevitable that your teen or preteen will experience a range of moods as they progress through puberty. So, how can you help support them handle their feelings?
Practice Healthy Eating and Exercise Habits
Encourage your preteen or teen to exercise regularly and eat healthy, favoring whole foods, fruits, and veggies over processed foods. Make sure they are getting enough sleep, see their doctor regularly, and feel supported emotionally from you and other members in your house.
Help Them Acknowledge Their Feelings
Research tells us that speaking our feelings is an important first step. Yet, many of us were not raised this way. Instead, you might have been told to “go to your room” when moody, angry, or sad. These messages imply that those feelings are bad,” yet no feelings are bad.
If your preteen or teen is unable to note their feelings, have them write them down their feelings. For neurodivergent youth, you can download BLOOM’s feeling chart (in partnership with Social Thinking) with simple pictures noting a variety of feelings. And, when a feeling occurs, your preteen or teen can simply point to the picture best depicting their feeling(s).
Teach Them to Do Body Scans
A body scan is a mental scan of your body ranging from 3-30 minutes in length that recognizes any feelings of tension, pain, anxiety, or any other type of discomfort. Evidence shows body scans can help people with anxiety and stress relief and increases self-awareness and compassion.
Tips for Performing a Body Scan:
- Setting a timer for 5, 10, 15, or more minutes will help keep time for the scan. For shorter scans, focus on specific body parts.
- Look up videos to lead you in your first scan. Many can be found on apps like Headspace or even for free on YouTube.
- Health professionals, including counselors, can provide more information on body scan techniques.
Teach Them to Express Feelings Assertively
“I feel” statements are sentences used to share feelings, and with practice, becomes a habit useful in all relationships. Basically, these types of statements help you refer to behaviors you do not like instead of referring to the person overall.
The basics of an “I feel” statement include:
I feel __________________ when _______________ because ______________.
I need (or want) ____________________________.
For example, instead of saying, “Lee did this and it makes me sad,” strengthen your words to something like, “I feel sad when I hear you say I am a bad parent. I need you to not let me hear things like this.”
How to Support (Yourself) with Teenage Mood Swings
Some days you may feel as if your whole life centers around your family or pubescent teen. Part of a healthy household, though, includes taking care of you. Just like when you are supposed to put your oxygen mask on first in a plane emergency, taking care of your mental wellbeing helps you stay healthy and strong for your family.
To support yourself, make sure to have your own self-care “kit” or tools that include:
Take Breaths
Many of us were taught to count to ten when feeling anxious or angry. This habit of counting can be applied to taking a very long, deep breath while inhaling (breathing in) and exhaling (breathing out). Pausing to breathe when we are frustrated or feeling attacked helps to center us and be in the moment.
Reminders to Not Take Actions and Words Personally
When another person says angry or attacking words to us, we need to take a step back and not become reactive. Post simple statements on sticky notes, a note pad, a journal, or in other areas where you can see them regularly to help you remember to not take your teen’s words personally.
Create Personal Spaces
Having a safe place or two to go to when feeling reactive or overwhelmed is important.
Create Your Personal “Feel Calm” Mantra
Saying a specific mindfulness statement or mantra out loud or in your head helps to remind you of who you are and not to take things personally.
Give Time to Your Hobbies and Boundaries
Being a parent or caregiver is one aspect of who you are. Cultivate interests that are not always focused on the needs and wants of everyone else. Modeling that you have interests outside of parenting or caregiving helps show your family members that you are your own person with your own independence.
Cultivate General Patience and Understanding
Your preteen or teen may test their boundaries. That is your preteen or teen’s job. Your job is to keep the boundaries there.
Find Ways to Celebrate
Raising a preteen or teen is not an easy job — yet one of the most rewarding. Attempt to discover simple ways to celebrate everyday growths occurring in your household and within yourself!
What to Look Out for with Teen Mood Swings
If you notice your young person is acting differently, in which they may be experiencing certain feelings like depression, anger, and anxiety for more than a few hours or days, reach out to a health care professional or a therapist that works with teens. Your local school district and medical professionals can help you with this.
If your young person is diagnosed with something, like having an anxiety disorder or clinical depression, you and your young person can join a support group. Your local National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) organization can provide information for groups and families.
Parenting can leave you feeling overwhelmed and alone, but at BLOOM you have a community ready to help. Access Live and On-Demand Workshops featuring our trusted experts. Get answers to your pressing questions through our Ask the Expert Platform. Find strength by joining our Community Group and connecting with fellow parents and caregivers. If you need more tailored support, take advantage of our 1-on-1 Parent Coaching Sessions. Raising tweens and teens is hard, but with BLOOM by your side, you don’t have to do it alone.
* Quote edited for clarity and length. Original intention and meaning has not changed.
