It is important for caregivers to be thoughtful in how they approach their teens and engage them in conversations about body boundaries and consent. Consent is when people come to an agreement about engaging in sexual activity, and body boundaries are the limits that people set for how their bodies are touched.
Keep discussions short, avoid judgment, lecturing, and fear tactics. By asking lots of questions and engaging preteens and teens in dialogue — not monologue — caregivers can help keep the lines of communication open. If you lean in with curiosity and a collaborative spirit, you’ll get further than those who rely on authority or are dismissive of their teen’s experiences and emotions. Trusting your preteens or teens and allowing them space to arrive at their own conclusions will make them far more likely to discuss challenging issues that arise.
To help them follow their hearts in doing the right thing, caregivers should talk to their preteens and teens about sex, relationships, and consent as early as possible and make sure that it’s not a one-time conversation. The more children hear about this from the adults in their life, the more impactful the messaging, and the better chance they have to grow into healthy, whole, and heartful adults.
Having Conversations About Consent With 3-8 Year Olds
Start young and use words and language that your child will understand. Consider the following:
- Practice asking for consent to touch their bodies and model asking others.
- Establish who the safe adults are that can help them with toileting or medical issues, and that for others their private parts should remain private.
- Explain that children do not have to hug, kiss, or snuggle anyone (including a close relative or caregiver) that they don’t want to — that they have the right to say, “no.”
- Discuss the concept of okay and not okay touch, explaining that (outside of established safe adults) no one is permitted to touch any of the areas covered by their bathing suits and that no one should ask them to touch theirs.
- Children should also understand it is not okay for anyone to show them private body parts in person or online or ask them to share theirs.
- Read and discuss age-appropriate safety books about safety and consent with young children including “C is for Consent” by Eleanor Morrison, “Consent (for Kids!)” by Rachel Brian, and “Don’t Hug Doug (He Doesn’t Like It)” by Carrie Finnison.
Having Conversations About Consent With 9-12 Year Olds
As your child gets older and enters their preteen years, your conversations around sex, relationships, and consent can continue to evolve. Consider the following:
- Begin expanding the depth and breadth of conversations about sex, sexuality, and relationships.
- Use scenes from movies, TV shows, and other media where consent is at issue to engage young people in discussion.
- Ask preteens and teens how they feel about the lyrics of some of the music they hear, and how it relates to consent. Does it model the way they think their peers deserve to be treated?
- Save difficult conversations for car rides when preteens and teens are a captive audience and are not forced to face their caregiver while talking.
Talking About Consent With Teenagers
Teens are more likely to be curious about relationships, their bodies, self-exploration, and more, and thus, your conversations can take a more complex and deep turn. Consider the following:
- Explore with teens how they might ask for consent, and what to do if they experience rejection. For example, if they ask to kiss someone and their hoped-for partner says “no,” teach them to say “thank you for telling me — I’d never want to do something to make you feel uncomfortable.”
- Ask teens how they think the victims in different scenarios might feel and explore with them how they might help protect vulnerable friends and peers.
- Role play with teens and provide them with opportunities to practice saying “no” to pressure from friends or partners.
Read and discuss books with teens that examine some of these issues in-depth. Some suggestions include “Missoula” by Jon Krakauer, “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller, and “Speak” by Laurie Halse Anderson.
