{"id":22346,"date":"2023-06-12T16:58:33","date_gmt":"2023-06-12T16:58:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/?p=22346"},"modified":"2023-06-27T15:55:27","modified_gmt":"2023-06-27T15:55:27","slug":"grooming-know-the-warning-signs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/grooming-know-the-warning-signs\/","title":{"rendered":"In Their Own Words \u2013 Offenders Speak about Grooming"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>This article was originally written for <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/parentingsafechildren.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Parenting Safe Children<\/em><\/a><em>.<\/em><\/p><p>From time to time, I attend treatment groups for men and women who have sexually abused children so that I can better understand this crime and how to prevent it.<\/p><p>Many of the offenders I met this summer told me how important it is to teach adults how child sexual abusers go about gaining access to and compliance from children. In the words of one man,<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cWe\u2019re really good at what we do, so you have to keep educating parents so they understand how we do what we do.\u201d<\/li><\/ul><p>Child sexual abusers need three things to sexually abuse a child: privacy, authority, and control. Because these ingredients must be present, the sexual abuser is usually someone who is known to the child, such as a family member or caregiver.<\/p><h2 id=\"what-is-grooming\" class=\"wp-block-heading\">What Is Grooming?<\/h2><p>\u201cGrooming\u201d is the methodical process of getting a child to eventually comply with sexual requests, either through attention or threat. First, a person who sexually abuses develops or has a special friendship with a child and gives the child a lot of love and attention, perhaps filling a void if the child doesn\u2019t feel like he or she is getting enough attention elsewhere. In the words of offenders I met this summer,<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cThe child I abused had parents who were uninvolved; she was lonely.\u201d<\/li>\n\n<li>\u201cThe children I sexually abused were seeking love and attention.\u201d<\/li>\n\n<li>\u201cThe child I abused had very strict parents and was always angry at her parents.\u201d<\/li>\n\n<li>\u201cThe kids I sexually abused didn\u2019t know how to make friends.\u201d<\/li>\n\n<li>\u201cShe was a perfect victim. She did not get along with her mom.\u201d<\/li><\/ul><h2 id=\"sexual-abusers-use-gifts-to-first-seduce-children\" class=\"wp-block-heading\">Sexual Abusers Use Gifts to First Seduce Children<\/h2><p>Giving time, attention, and gifts are ways to emotionally seduce a child, so the child feels indebted. Once the abuser establishes an emotional bond with the child, then the relationship becomes sexual.<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cI let her watch cartoons, bought her candy and toys. I took my time and made her feel super special.\u201d<\/li><\/ul><h2 id=\"touching-starts-in-nonsexual-ways\" class=\"wp-block-heading\">Touching Starts in Nonsexual Ways<\/h2><p>Physical contact usually begins in nonsexual ways (e.g., tickling, cuddling, wrestling), but over time leads to sexual contact.<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cI took it very slowly. Before I would ever touch a child, I would get the child to believe that the touching was her own idea.\u201d<\/li><\/ul><figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1160\" height=\"387\" src=\"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-1160x387.webp\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-22350\" srcset=\"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-1160x387.webp 1160w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-800x267.webp 800w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-320x107.webp 320w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-1536x512.webp 1536w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-120x40.webp 120w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-90x30.webp 90w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-560x187.webp 560w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy-600x200.webp 600w, https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/4\/2023\/06\/young-doing-the-gesture-of-silence-2022-11-15-07-55-21-utc-copy.webp 1800w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1160px) 100vw, 1160px\" \/><\/figure><h2 id=\"sexual-abuse-requires-secrecy\" class=\"wp-block-heading\">Sexual Abuse Requires Secrecy<\/h2><p>Sexual abuse requires secrecy. As part of the grooming process, some abusers \u201ctrain\u201d children by asking them to keep innocent secrets. (e.g., \u201cI\u2019m so glad we shared an extra bowl of ice cream for dessert. Don\u2019t tell your parents; this is our little secret. Okay?\u201d)<\/p><p>Once the abuse happens, asking a child to keep secrets about sexual contact may involve threats. One father I spoke with said,<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cI threatened her. I told her if she told anyone about this, I\u2019d be arrested and our family would fall apart.\u201d<\/li><\/ul><p>From the women\u2019s treatment group, I noted these two comments about the power of secrets:<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>&nbsp;\u201cI kept his secrets and he kept ours.\u201d<\/li>\n\n<li>&nbsp;\u201cI was a master of secrets and believed that I\u2019d never get caught.\u201d<\/li><\/ul><p>This is exactly why I talk about the difference between secrets and surprises in the <a href=\"https:\/\/parentingsafechildren.com\/live-workshops\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Parenting Safe Children Workshop<\/a>. Asking children to keep even seemingly innocent secrets (e.g., \u201c<em>Let\u2019s not tell Mommy about the cookie we had before dinner.<\/em>\u201d) can make it harder for children to tell should a groomer be training the child in secret-keeping<\/p><h2 id=\"lesson-to-teach-children-about-sexual-abuse\" class=\"wp-block-heading\">Lesson to Teach Children About Sexual Abuse&nbsp;<\/h2><ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Sexual touching is never a child\u2019s fault.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n<li>Put sexual abuse on your radar just like seat belts and car seats are safety priorities. Our children need us to make child sexual abuse prevention a priority.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ol><p>They deserve nothing less.<\/p><p>For more information about grooming and how to recognize it, see <a href=\"https:\/\/parentingsafechildren.com\/off-limits-book\/order\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Off Limits,<\/a> or attend a <a href=\"https:\/\/parentingsafechildren.com\/parents\/parenting-safe-children\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Parenting Safe Children workshop<\/a>.<\/p><p class=\"is-style-cnvs-paragraph-callout has-medium-font-size cnvs-block-core-paragraph-1686588949722\" style=\"padding-top:var(--wp--preset--spacing--60);padding-right:var(--wp--preset--spacing--60);padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--60);padding-left:var(--wp--preset--spacing--60)\">Put sexual abuse on your radar just like seat belts and car seats are safety priorities. Our children need us to make child sexual abuse prevention a priority. They deserve nothing less.<\/p><h2 id=\"more-about-healthy-relationships-boundaries-and-consent\" class=\"wp-block-heading\">More About Healthy Relationships, Boundaries, and Consent<\/h2><p>Learn how to help broach subjects like grooming with your preteen or teen. BLOOM is here to help, whether you are looking for tips on how to talk to your kids about healthy body boundaries and consent, about internet safety, teen relationships, or even in-depth and personalized <a href=\"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/ask-the-expert-coming-soon\/\">Q&amp;As<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/workshops-coming-soon\/\">workshops<\/a>. Raising young people is hard enough. We are here to help demystify and provide support!<\/p><p><em>This article was originally written for Parenting Safe Children and only minimally edited for clarity. Read the original article by Feather Berkower in its <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/parentingsafechildren.com\/in-their-own-words-offenders-speak-about-grooming\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>original publication<\/em><\/a><em>.<\/em><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Child sexual abusers usually prey on children in situations where they have privacy, control, and authority. Learn more about grooming, from previous offenders. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":194,"featured_media":22347,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[79,81],"tags":[],"powerkit_post_featured":[],"coauthors":[356],"class_list":{"0":"post-22346","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-relationships","8":"category-sexual-health"},"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22346","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/194"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22346"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22346\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22347"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22346"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22346"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22346"},{"taxonomy":"powerkit_post_featured","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/powerkit_post_featured?post=22346"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=22346"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}