{"id":22226,"date":"2023-06-06T19:18:04","date_gmt":"2023-06-06T19:18:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/?p=22226"},"modified":"2023-06-27T15:22:02","modified_gmt":"2023-06-27T15:22:02","slug":"how-to-support-a-child-when-they-come-out","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloomforall.com\/parent\/how-to-support-a-child-when-they-come-out\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Support A Child When They Come Out"},"content":{"rendered":"

BLOOM\u2019s inclusive guide for caregivers of LGBTQ+, nonbinary and gender diverse teens.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>

Author Jen Bell | Reviewed by Mason Dunn<\/em><\/p>

Coming out can mean many things for preteens and teens. It can refer to an evolving understanding of their gender identity or expression \u2014 that how they feel internally about their gender doesn\u2019t align with what\u2019s on their birth certificate. It can refer to their sexual orientation (who they\u2019re romantically and\/or sexually attracted to) and identifying as LGBTQIA+.<\/p>

Often, coming out involves an intense mix of emotions. There might be excitement, liberation, and relief about living as their authentic selves. Gender diverse or trans teens may finally feel free to embody the gender they experience inside. LGBTQIA+ teens may be able to express their romantic interests for the first time.<\/p>

Learn how to be an adult ally for nonbinary and transgender kids<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>

Coming out can also bring up anxiety and fear that their family and friends might not understand\u00a0 or accept them, or that they\u2019ll face stigma, discrimination, or bullying.\u00a0<\/p>

The most important factor impacting the well-being of gender diverse and\/or LGBTQ+ teens is family support. Your love can be life-saving.<\/p>

Family support is the most significant factor in a LGBTQ+ teen\u2019s well-being. As a caregiver, it\u2019s normal to experience your own intense mix of emotions after a child comes out, but your focus should be on your child\u2019s experience. While research shows that LGBTQ+ youth who aren\u2019t accepted by their caregivers carry higher risks for depression<\/a>, suicide*, and substance abuse,  research also shows that having even one person to lean on can significantly lower those risks. <\/p>

How you react when a child comes out \u2014 and how you continue to evolve alongside them\u2014 will likely have a huge impact on your child\u2019s self-esteem and sense of well-being.<\/p>

How to Support Gender Diverse and LGBTQ+ Youth<\/h3>

Your preteen or teen has taken a massive and brave step by coming out to you. Here\u2019s how to offer the encouragement they need.<\/p>

Listen to Your LGBTQ+ Child<\/h3>

Keep an open mind as they share their experiences. Validate and reflect back what they\u2019ve told you: \u201cI hear what you are saying. I want you to know that my love for you is as strong as ever.\u201d<\/em><\/p>

Offer Your Support<\/h3>

Let them know you will be there for them, no matter what: \u201cI\u2019m proud of you, I\u2019m here for you, and I am always available to talk.\u201d<\/em><\/p>

\"lgbtq<\/figure>

Ask What They Need <\/h3>

Make it clear that they can ask for your help and tell you what they need: \u201c<\/em><\/strong>What are the best ways for me to support you right now? Who else is supporting you?\u201d  <\/em><\/p>

Encourage Self-Expression<\/h3>

Let them explore their inner selves without fear of judgment and without others\u2019 projections and agendas: \u201cI want to support you on this journey. What\u2019s been happening in your life that made you decide to come out now?\u201d<\/em><\/p>

Respect Their Boundaries<\/h3>

Ask permission before asking personal questions that might be intimate or intrusive. If they don\u2019t want to answer, accept their no: \u201cI want you to know that you don\u2019t need to answer if you feel like my questions are too personal.\u201d<\/em><\/p>

Follow Their Lead<\/h3>

Allow your preteen or teen to move at their own pace. Support them if they want to tell others, but let them do it their way: \u201cIf you want to tell grandma, I can help with whatever you need to feel ready for that.\u201d <\/em><\/p>

Never Out Them <\/h3>

If they don\u2019t <\/em>want to tell others about coming out, that\u2019s their choice and must be respected. They have a right to privacy about their own experience.
<\/p>

\"\"<\/figure>

Act as an Advocate<\/h3>

Stand up for them: Make it clear that slurs or jokes about sexuality or gender identity will not be tolerated around you or your family. Call out transphobia and homophobia when you hear it. <\/p>

Own Your Mistakes<\/h3>

When your teen comes out, it\u2019s critical that you not reject them, react negatively, or pretend the conversation never happened. If you did react badly, it\u2019s not too late. Apologize and start over.<\/p>

Don\u2019t Try to Change Them<\/h3>

Denying their experience, punishing, or shaming them is not only ineffective \u2014 it\u2019s dangerous. Experts agree that so-called \u201creparative\u201d or \u201cconversion\u201d therapies can cause serious and lasting psychological harm. <\/p>

Connect Them With Community<\/h3>

Meeting people who share their experience, and can truly understand what they\u2019re going through, is key. Find local LGBTQ+ organizations and events for your teen to join. <\/p>

Seek Out Positive Pop Cultural Representation<\/h3>

Research books, movies, and TV shows that positively represent a variety of LGBTQIA+ experiences for your teen. Watching these together, if appropriate, can bring you closer and offer jumping-off points for deeper conversations.<\/p>

Watch for Warning Signs<\/h3>

It\u2019s critical to monitor your teen\u2019s mental health for any signs of struggle, like feelings of depression, anxiety, or self-harm. If you do notice these, contact their doctor or a licensed counselor.

When choosing a therapist, it\u2019s important to find a good match for your teen. Learn how to <\/em>find the right therapist for your young person.<\/em><\/a><\/p>

Tips for Replacing Gendered Language With Inclusive Language  <\/h2>

Ask Their Preferred Name and Pronouns <\/h3>

Your preteen or teen might prefer different pronouns, or want to go by a new name. Ask how they\u2019d like to identify, and then use those words. They might request other language changes, like using the term \u201cgirlfriend\u201d rather than \u201cspecial friend.\u201d<\/p>

Make Gender-Neutral Language a Habit<\/h3>

Many of us use gender-specific terms \u2014 \u201dhey guys,\u201d or \u201cladies and gentlemen\u201d \u2014 without recognizing it. This can feel exclusive, and it assumes we know the gender of the people we\u2019re addressing. (Never assume!). Gender-neutral language \u2014 \u201cpeople,\u201d \u201cfolks,\u201d \u201cfriends,\u201d \u201csibling,\u201d \u201cspouse\u201d \u2014 includes everyone.<\/p>

Don\u2019t Use Slang or Slurs<\/h3>

Words like \u201cqueen,\u201d \u201chomo,\u201d and \u201cdyke\u201d are derogatory and offensive. While some people in the LGBT+ community might use these words as a way to reclaim them and decrease their power, slurs can only be reclaimed by those who were originally bullied by them. <\/p>

Avoid the Phrase \u201cSexual Preference\u201d <\/h3>

This implies that being LGBTQIA+ is a choice and can be \u201ccured.\u201d<\/p>

Course-Correct When You Slip Up<\/h3>

It\u2019s ok to make mistakes \u2014 and you inevitably will! Allow others to correct you without getting defensive. The fact that you\u2019re trying to get it right shows that you respect your teen and support their identity: \u201cThanks for correcting me! I\u2019m still getting used to your new name, but I\u2019m trying!\u201d<\/em><\/p>

\"Dad<\/figure>

Make Sure to Support Yourself, Too<\/h2>

Your child has their coming-out journey, and you will have your own journey of acceptance and understanding. If it\u2019s taking time to adjust, be patient. These are huge changes. Often, even caregivers who worried they couldn\u2019t possibly accept their teen\u2019s identity just needed time. <\/p>

If you\u2019re struggling with feelings of grief, fear, anxiety or depression, seek help. Look for a licensed therapist, a support group, or a community organization for parents of gender diverse and LGBTQ teens.<\/p>

Remember: the most important factor impacting the well-being of gender diverse and\/or LGBTQ+ teens is family support. Your love can be life-saving.<\/strong><\/p>

*If you or someone you know needs help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You can also reach a crisis counselor by messaging the Crisis Text Line at 741741.<\/em><\/p>

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